I've come to realize that my relationship with not knowing has been one of bigness and smallness. In the overwhelming sea of it, against the tornado, I curl tight and imagine that I can den up, blacken the sun and remain invisible when it passes over me. I imagine that if I hold my breath while the shadow of great wings sweep the contours of my burrow, if I become like the rock and like the sand, if I camouflage into silence, I will be spared the talon of it's fickle notice.

However, when I look at not knowing as the thread that passes through all things, I realize that it's not only around me, but of me. It becomes something familiar, comfortable, interconnected. It becomes a thing that is shared in the deep heart and experienced commonly. There is no place to hide from it, because there is no place where it is not. There is no sense in hiding from it, because it makes up life itself. There is no reason to hide from it, because being of the self, it no longer holds the sense of threat.

I say this because I am working on celebrating the adventure of my life instead of being afraid of it. I'm working on establishing the practices in my life that lead me more into a sense of fulfillment, and committing to those practices not out of a feeling of obligation but out of a feeling of self-love. I am working on reconnecting to the energy of story, following the myth of my life where it leads, instead of trying to dictate all the time where it should go, or where it is most comfortable, safe, and known.

The practices that I have made an intent to begin, that I have posted about and discussed and promised myself, I have not begun. I realize this. I watch the days and the weeks pass as I struggle with situation. I feel hesitant to post because I feel like no movement has occurred, like resistance has silenced even the smallest footstep. Normally, this would frustrate and depress me. But today, looking at the sunset over the mountains from my front room, I decided to give myself gentleness and understanding.

For four weeks, streamsandpools and I have worked hard on our relationship. I have worked hard on letting go of my fears and of opening my heart fully to her. I have worked hard to release my attachment to my space and my time, to transmute my romanticized view of myself as a loner, and to better understand the claims I will make for my own power and my own path within our partnership. I have worked hard to see who I could be within it, and to accept the discipline it will take to be mindful and true to myself and to her during it. Together, we have worked hard in establishing intimacy, in supporting each other wholly, in co-visioning the kind of relationship we'd like to have together.

Big things are shifting in me as I work on these concepts literally by the hour, as I mull them and explore them while I launder, while I bathe, while I eat. The work I am doing is underneath, in the foundation. It is big work and it is important work. And it occurs to me that all the processing in the world, all the intent and plans, all the battle cries for practice accomplish nothing if the foundation is not healed, if it is tainted by fear, if the heart of the furnace is anything but love and trust and engagement.

So I'm giving myself a break. I'm letting myself experience one thing at a time, rather than demanding I do it all at once. I'm acknowledging myself for the work I'm doing the first two months of this year, and revisiting the next thing once this work has had time to unfold and blossom. I am valuing the short time that streamsandpools and I have together this trip, getting as much out of it as possible, and carrying that transformative power into the return of my temporarily solitary life where I will begin to work on practice and application.

It feels good to recognize the value of the unseen and the deep, and how that relates not only to the more manifested aspects, but also to the possibility in the excitement of the not knowing. I like the feeling of a full belly fire and the weight sinking into my knees. It feels like the potential for dancing.