Technology Never Rests
Originally uploaded by blackwingedboy.

One of the things I decided today was that I'd like to take more pictures and post more illustrated Journal entries. But if I took the time to tell you all the things I decided today, I'd wear my fingers down to the nubs.

Uncharacteristically, I decided that today would be devoted entirely to creative projects, which for me are usually tied to technical things as well. As a result, all day I ran three computers with various tasks, from video compression to web design to podcast editing and discovery. At 1am I have discovered that I've only scratched the surface of what I'd like to get done. Nevertheless, the day was full of that old school kinda geek/artist fiddling and tinkering, morning to sleep, that I've missed.

I'll be taking more of these days in the future, especially when there's video, audio or music to be had. It's all about priorities and carving out the time for them.

I'm most pleased with getting Garage Band (Blonde Swedes approved software) up and running, learning the templates of my old, salty predecessor, listening to the loops and dropins, and rediscovering the lost podcasts. So far, it's going very well, but I can tell that my whimsy will likely be my downfall. As always, I'll need to balance out the need to get new casts produced and posted with my personal need to make myself giggle at them.

I often have far too many ideas than I can realize in the current time/space.

I also worked today on bigger plans, mainly for the conglomeration of all my journal, blog and site entries into one archived area, the removal of old web content, and the refreshing of new. And I gave thought to projects that are so very fledgling that all they ask is for some active listening and attention.

Luckily, I think I'm fairly good at being present and listening.

In the margins, thanks to some video inspiration by streamsandpools, I came to a certain vision about the the spaces I've shared with each of my close friends over the years. The space that I hold with every one of them, the space we hold together, has been mutually and even mindfully created, each one a unique, living being that is never duplicated, is special and never shared by anyone else. Perhaps that's really the nature of relationships, but I'm now seeing these places of connection as much more, as elements of play and magick, worlds co-created with their own characters and rules and flavors and qualities. These are spaces of intense intimacy.

Calin once told me, "William, you make everyone feel special." And I always tried to, or maybe it's something that means so much to me that I don't try. However, I think that work is mutual, that there is a willingness to engage in a certain dance, or an exploration, trying on hats or seeing which voices fit the children and the demons.

I think that it's a big reason why I'm not particularly craving or missing romantic relationship or sexual intimacy these days. The number of unique spaces, of various worlds I cohabitate with my various partners give me energies and gifts that all totalled, leave me with very little wanting.

And I think that when I go about the world meeting strangers, having small interactions at grocery stores or on public transit, that I treat them all as looking for the space between us, seeing if I can, or we can, briefly glimpse what that might be and step into it for a moment. Mostly, that space is small talk and civility. But occasionally, something else happens entirely different.

Considering this makes me appreciate myself and my medicines all the more. It shows me how I go about making connections, and what I bring to vulnerability, to actual intimacy, the intimacy of moments and presence, the intimacy that is birthed from the many shades of love. But beyond this, it makes me appreciate my friendships, the co-created universes, each vast yet small enough to hold in four hands.

So now it is late and I am turning off the shiny, blinking machines. Tomorrow I do nothing and try to make peace with doing nothing. We'll see how that goes. It's funny how something always creeps in on tiny feet and sits blinking in the half-shadows, waiting not to be noticied.