It's so interesting to be in a place where I am dead tired and my eyes are full of pudding and know that I have to post something. It's even more interesting to have posted two entries that I loved and that received favorable comments. Because if there's one thing I don't know what to do with, it's praise.

I'm pretty good at saying thank you. And when somebody really wants to make something land with me (imtboo is a master at this), I'm able and ready to pull my heart forward and let it land. When it comes to many things, though, especially creativity, good words often leave me thinking "Oh crap, I'll never be able to do that again" or "Huh? I don't even know what I did right!" depending on my mood.

But the point is, I believe in the life of a writer, there is just today. There is the moment you are writing and if anything, perhaps the few moments before, when you inhale. But as somebody trying to live with every day being a new lifetime, there's not too much worth for me in most comparisons. I'll never write what I wrote yesterday again. I'll also never write this again. And tomorrow, what I write I can't even imagine.

It's always been the looking back and looking forward that stops me from looking around. So I try not to do it anymore. All the fun bits in life are what's happening now anyway.

Tonight was supposed to be my creative spaces night, but at the very last minute before transitioning from code monkey to word lemur, the Gods That Are Funny But In A Mean Way (Or NAMBLA) unleashed this massive bug on the windshield of my project. And so I worked to fix it, and like Br'er Rabbit, the more I tried to unstick myself, the more stuck I became.

On a side note, I've just realized I made a "tar baby" reference. I feel strangely uncomfortable about it.

The point is, the evening fled and soon I found myself blearily blinking over the counter at PCC, trying to form the words "Broccoli Waldorf", which are the two hardest words to try to speak when you are very tired. And there they were, both together in the same place!

After I took what I can only describe as "Bruckle Wardoff" home, I had an hour to go, watched some "Deadliest Catch" and slid back into the chair to write this.

Another side note. Any time on "Deadliest Catch" that you see a boat you haven't seen all season with just ten minutes left in the show, it's Star Trek Red Shirt time. Something is about to go down!

Speaking of, my Bruckle went down well. And I let my creative night go, because it was far easier to let things be as they were than wish them otherwise. In half an hour, I do my small dreamtime ritual and after the passage through, I'll see what tomorrow's life has to offer me.

The best thing I can say about this part of my life is that I'm learning the value of myself apart from any skills or actions or demonstrations, just the value at the core of my being, without roles or definitions or effort. Having that core being loved by myself and others holds more freedom for me than I ever imagined.